So today I did something crazy?wonderful?stupid?smartest thing ever?
I told the guythat I have been going out with on again/ off again(kinda) for a couple years now that I love him. And if you know me personally, you know that it isn't something I say to jsut anyone at any time. I mean I refused to say it to him ,not once have I said it in that 3 year span. Never. And after wanted to say it for a long time, even though we aren't going out now, I couldn't hold it in and just said it. I mean I didn't want him to go on with life thinking I didn't, he should know. And the only reason we broke up was because..well that isn't really important. But what I know is that we both really really like eachother still. And after I said it he said it too. And now I am like " what now?". I don't want to end up being like certain people in my school that are constantly breaking up and making up. We hate that. I hate that. Why would I want to be like that. And I don't want to be a statistic about failed high school relationships, because they usually are ended. But I don't want to lose him either. So right now I am sorting through some stuff with me thats going on, but I don't know what I'm going to do. One's heart is too prescious to jsut give away. I've been hurt too many times to let myself become so vulnerable.
Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I WAS that slutty kid everyone thought I was. The whole town believed it, why couldn't I? There wouldn't be any of this heart/soul crushing relationship stuff, just organ killing STD hook-up stuff. Some comparison right? But sometimes it is hard to tell which is worse. Maybe I really was that slutty kid. MAybe I still am.Whose to say he didn't take every last bit of my innocence that day. The one simple act that everyone else would jsut shrug off and say " it's no big deal" but for me, no, that day haunts my dreams. Hisface makes me panic.but it is my own fault, I shouldnt have been there. I should never have gone. But im likely making a bigger deal than what it was because like I said,anyone else would have just shrugged it off and forgotten. Why can't I forget?

I dont know what to do. How can he love me when I don't even love me. I really don't want to become a statisitc...if there was ever a time I wanted someone to help, it would be now. Please help.

*please ignore all grammatical, spelling, and typing errors in this entry because I am literally shaking kind of uncontrollably as I type this*